Thanksgiving is about gratitude and coming together, and nothing screams the spirit of the holiday quite like spreading a viral illness over a plate of turkey. If your family insists that you travel this holiday season, the least you can do is spice things up even more by arriving locked and loaded with an arsenal of controversial opinions. The holidays would be nothing without a “I can’t believe she just said that” moment, and luckily there are a lot of opportunities for one of those this year. Here are some of my favorites:
The 2020 Election
I like to start off with the most controversial opinions just to clear the air. If anyone was left wondering what you thought about the 2020 Election even after you spent your summer posting opinionated infographics on your Instagram Stories and asked all of the Tr*mp supporters on your Facebook to delete you, now is the time to hammer it in by boasting about what you did three Saturdays ago when you heard The News.
Pineapple goes on pizza
Tread lightly with this one, especially around your cousin Ben who is still bitter about the fact that Gary Richards doesn’t run Holy Ship anymore. He hasn’t gotten over that blow, and it might be pretty triggering to bring up this debate from 2016—though he needs to hear once and for all that pineapple does, in fact, belong on pizza.
Biden’s tax plan
Just when Ben is all worked up, be sure to bring up the fact that he won’t be impacted by Biden’s tax plan on his current salary working as a barista at the coffee shop downtown. If he insists that he will be, despite the fact that he drives a 2003 Honda Civic, ask him why he planned so poorly for tax season that the financial responsibility of having to do his part would be such a devastating blow.
The final Star Wars trilogy
You’re not a lifelong fan of Star Wars, but you love being an opinionated bitch. Stir the pot this Thanksgiving by declaring that you thought the latest Star Wars trilogy was entertaining. There was no reason to chime in, but why not at this point.
Announce that you are ANTIFA
Your aunt spent the last eight months sharing misinformation on Facebook about how ANTIFA, the fictional organization, is trying to destroy America. This would be a good time to announce that ANTIFA isn’t an organization, and that it’s simply a political ideology that opposes fascism. You could go so far as to reveal that you attended several protests over the summer, leaving your parents to second guess encouraging you to take on forty grand in student loan debt to go to a liberal arts college.
Ben is talking again, so it’s time to say “I can tell you get all of your news from Joe Rogan” for your grand finale. From here, just sit back and watch the microdroplets fly. At this rate, half the family will be intubated by mid-December.
Mashup desserts are not that good
Things have been pretty quiet for the rest of the Thanksgiving meal, but you felt the need to deliver one final blow when dessert comes out and you see that it’s a peanut butter apple pie cheesecake monstrocity. Yes this might go against everything your family believes in since they’re proud supporters of the Cheesecake Factory, but it’s time you spoke your truth and opened up about how much you hate dessert mashups.